eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
