I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
