sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
