is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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