Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
