you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
