There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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