He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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