I hope mine doesn't look like that
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
