On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
