dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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