I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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