Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
