I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
