Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
