the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
