Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Drunk is a universal language darling
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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