i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
