I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize