If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
