grandma shit on top of the toilet
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
