i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
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constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
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Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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