I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
