By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
