just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
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After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
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It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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