Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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