Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
