Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Randomize
