then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
