just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
