If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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