so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
