the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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