I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
