I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
