Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
