I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm at about main and main street
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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