lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
