If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
