If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
