I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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