Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
