Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I love having hate sex.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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