I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
