im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
