I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
It can also be a hat.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.