My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?