Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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