I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
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he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
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Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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