so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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