i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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