Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
