Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Send help, water and tortillas.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
