I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
