thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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