Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
