you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
