You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
