Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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