i need an iv and a liver transplant
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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