it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I would ride that face into the sunset
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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