Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
