Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
