Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
